What the Book “The Rules” Gets Totally Wrong
Recently, I was going through the book “The Rules” because I was curious about the kind of dating advice women give other women. I wanted to see if it might reveal clues about the disconnect between the sexes today. For instance, a recent poll among 18-28-year-olds showed that 66% of men in this age group reported being single, compared to only 33% of women. In this article, I’ll take a few rules from the book, break them down, and discuss whether I agree or disagree with them—and why.
“Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls” and “Don’t See Him More Than Once or Twice a Week”
The first rule I’ll discuss is, “Don’t call him and rarely return his calls,” coupled with “Don’t see him more than once or twice a week.” The authors elaborate on these rules by claiming that calling a man or seeing him too often will make him lose interest. They argue that men may become restless and irritable, eventually stopping communication altogether.
I strongly disagree with this advice. Many books that attempt to describe male attraction toward women get it wrong, often describing the opposite of reality. Most successful men, who are busy and have fulfilling lives, lack the time or desire to chase after someone who doesn’t reciprocate interest. This principle applies to both genders—if someone isn’t engaging during the dating phase, why expect different behavior in a long-term relationship?
For people valuing their time and aiming for a reciprocal relationship, spending quality time together early on is essential to determine compatibility. Playing games like these often deters individuals with self-respect and maturity, attracting only those who thrive on drama. In my opinion, this advice is counterproductive and sets the stage for unstable relationships.
“Be Honest, But Mysterious”
Another rule from the book suggests being “honest, but mysterious.” This advice highlights a broader issue in dating literature aimed at women: a tendency to project their own preferences onto men. I call this phenomenon “attraction projection.”
Social dynamics show that women generally value social cues, such as intrigue and mystery, more than men do. Evolutionary psychology, as outlined by researchers like Dr. David Buss in “Why Women Have Sex,” suggests men and women are attracted to different things. Men are typically drawn to physical cues, while women focus on social and emotional cues. Therefore, while women may find mystery alluring, it’s unlikely to have the same effect on men. The idea that women should embody traits they themselves find attractive, assuming men will respond similarly, is fundamentally flawed.
“Stop Dating Him if He Doesn’t Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine’s Day”
This rule—“Stop dating him if he doesn’t buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine’s Day”—is situational and depends on individual values. Some people consider gift-giving a vital expression of love, while others view it as insignificant.
Whether this rule applies to you depends on your relationship’s duration, title, and how much importance you place on gifts. While I don’t have strong feelings about this rule, I find it notable that the author emphasizes it. For some, this might be a valid measure of commitment, but for others, it could come across as superficial.
“Don’t Live With a Man or Leave Your Things at His Apartment”
This rule—“Don’t live with a man or leave your things at his apartment”—has two parts, and I partially agree with it.
Living Together Before Marriage: Research shows that living together before marriage can correlate with worse relationship outcomes, including higher divorce rates, lower marriage rates, and greater dissatisfaction. While the exact reasons remain unclear, one theory is that cohabitation may diminish the excitement and novelty of formalizing a commitment through marriage. From a traditional perspective, I see value in waiting until marriage to cohabitate.
Leaving Things at His Apartment: I disagree with this portion of the rule. Dating serves as a preview of a long-term relationship, and leaving personal items at your partner’s place signals trust and intent to continue building the relationship. If you’re hesitant to leave belongings behind, it may reflect deeper insecurities or doubts about the relationship’s foundation.
Final Thoughts on “The Rules”
In this analysis, I’ve explored several rules from the book “The Rules,” evaluating their relevance and alignment with modern relationship dynamics. While some advice may resonate depending on personal values, much of it is outdated or counterproductive. By examining literature on relationships and considering evolutionary psychology, it’s clear that relationships thrive on mutual respect, open communication, and genuine effort rather than game-playing.
I hope this discussion encourages you to reevaluate assumptions about dating and consider healthier, more balanced approaches to building meaningful connections. Finding common ground and understanding differences between the sexes can lead to more fulfilling relationships for everyone involved.
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